Thursday, November 24, 2011

Walking Dead: Boring Barn Zombies are Boring by Alex Snider

Another week, another notch in the ole’ patriarchy belt. Everyone got all up in Lori’s grill about her pregnancy, whether getting all mean girls about her weight (Glenn) or I dunno, being extremely anti-choice. Even the guy who wears a Hawaiian shirt and drives an RV and should be played by Randy Quaid weighed in on how during the zombie apocalypse she would bring down the survival chances of the Apple Dumpling Gang even more by keeping the baby. Gah.

In other news, Rick isn’t a total dickweed. Thank Hershel’s barn zombies for small mercies! In a very anti-climatic ending, he accepted that Lori had sought comfort in the arms of douchetastic doucherino Shane when she thought Rick was dead. I do wish she had also included the lil’ tid bit about the attempted rape but that would require the writers admitting that what happened at the CDC was actually sexual assault. 

In other other news, to further their chances of finding sweet little whats-her-name, everyone took the day off of searching and learned how to shoot guns because if ever time wasn’t of the essence it’s when you’re looking for a lost child in zombie-infested woods. Carl, miraculously healed by way of Hershel’s old-tymey bible stories and horse-salves (maybe throw some of that Darryl’s way, over in the tent?), noticed the vacuum left by Andrea when she stopped whining about learning to shoot and started up whining about learning to shoot. Where it took an entire season for the men to let the grown woman hold a gun, the child was allowed almost immediately. Sure! He was wearing a sheriff’s hat. And he is already up to a first grader’s understanding of the food chain as evidenced by his Gump-like “everything is food for something else”. Not sure why Lori was so horrified by his mad-learning skillz. I mean, it’s not like she’s Hershel and it’s not like he’s a daughter.

Someone (Sophia? Hanging-Zombie?) called 1-800-TIPS and Shane got a lead on a subdivision where Sophia might be chilling, watching day-time TV and eating pizza-pops. So he and Shooter McGraw went to check it out. Alas, just a bunch of zombies! Somewhere Otis is pissed that out of habit, Shane didn’t just shoot Andrea and leave her for dead. Then, because nothing is sexier than blowing off the rotten heads of decaying human beings, Shane and Andrea boned in his new HYUNDAI. (Yay corporate sponsorship!) Zombie blood mist: the untapped aphrodisiac? What a fun and sexy time for them!

The zombie barn thing didn’t really pan out the way I’d hoped; not that it was bad but I’m just starved for action on this show in much the same way that the barn zombies are starved for human flesh. I guess something will go down next week when the cat gets let out of the bag (when Carol 2.0 feeds it to the zombies) and Rick et al stumble upon the barn zombies. Maybe we'll find out what keeps those zombies busy all day. Writing bible verses? Paint-by-numbers? My money is on a munitions factory – how else to explain the frivolous waste of bullets this week? The survivors are stupid? 

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