Saturday, October 15, 2011

Going Carrie Bradshaw on All Your Asses (in the first sentence then I swear I'm done) by Alex Snider

So much better than a picture of a snake. Heehee. 
Last night as I lay in bed, listening to the electric guitar player guy on the corner (yes, it's an electric guitar, not a bass – will revoke whatever's left of my baby music nerd status pronto) I found myself thinking, what would I do if there was a snake in my apartment? Specifically, my room? More specifically, my bed? (I'm not speaking metaphorically although god knows I've been there! Have I? I don't know...)

In the past when I've seen snakes in the wild I usually freeze up and shake for a while, or run away but that hardly seems like an option here. I wouldn't have the privilege of my old freeze n' shake routine (THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BED) so that's out. As for running, I'm one of those people who like to shun banks and have stacks of their money lying on the floor all around them so that they can see it at all times except that instead of money it's clothes and instead of banks it's closets and dressers. My room is tiny and there is only two feet of floor space on either side of my bed which is always covered in clothes, piled Hobbit-high (weird cause I only wear about three things). My point being, I can't run out of there; I would break my neck. 

I'm not a screamer so I'd probably utter a very deep, guttural "what. the. goddanm. fuck" and start hyperventilating, or possibly stop breathing all together (which I often do in normal situations anyway). I am however rather reactionary so I might (depending on the size of the snake) pick it up and hurl it against the wall. I could really see myself doing that. Yep, that might be it. I'd probably get bitten, but that's cool, Rebekah sleeps in the next room and she just finished CPR training which incidentally included snake bites (she just told me that she would take me to the hospital and not suck the poison out of the "womb". Creepiest freudian slip ever. Or awesomest description of abortion ever? Then she made my phobia worse by suggesting that when snakes bite they impregnate. DEAR GOD. I don't believe her, obviously *nervous laughter* but DEAR GOD) . 

I spent a lot of time thinking about this last night, as by the time the thought struck I was all of a sudden wide-awake and couldn't move to the day-bed (something something the snake in my bed would strike at sudden movements something) so I had a long time to really weigh all my options. And to think about all the times I've heard about people finding snakes in all kinds of wacky places. Their walls! Their roofs! Their back yards! Under their fridges! And to think about how I really need to get this snake phobia  sorted out because really, this shit is getting out of control. Not that I don't have plans for every kind of disaster/intruder/situation but I'm starting to really focus on snakes a lot... Probably because I don't have a very good plan...

*UPDATE* So, apparently a couple of the possible side-effects of my migraine medications are paranoia and hallucinations?  What a bummer. 

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