'Riel Talk': An Original Jam by Alex Snider

Rebekah and I love R Kelly's unsung masterpiece Real Talk. Like know-all-the-lyrics love. We also love word-play and Louis Riel. Put the three together and you've got Riel Talk, the one-sided conversation between Riel and John A MacDonald during the Red River Resistance of 1870. (Let's call it a resistance and not a rebellion because language matters and the people of Red River were not rebelling against the Canadian government as they were not actually a part of Canada at that point; they were resisting.)

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Everything That is Wrong With Zooey Deschanel's Public Persona by Alex Snider

Conversation I had with my mum last night:

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A Problem I Just Faced by Alex Snider

This morning was my turn to run out and get coffee and breakfast for Rebekah and I so like the classy dame I am, I just pulled on a pair of jeans (ugh, don't you hate pants?!) and threw on one (!) of my leopard print coats. (*side-note* I absolutely love these coats and they kind of keep my self-esteem afloat all spring, winter and fall – goddamn summer. I got my first one 7 years ago when few other people were wearing them other than really old ladies and toddlers, which I kind of loved, and now they're all over the place which is also really cool because they are so incredibly amazing and everyone, everyone, should have one! Also, Mischa Barton was once on SVU playing sex-worker and she had auburn hair and was wearing a leopard print coat, coloured tights, red lipstick, floral-patterned dress and heels. Incidentally I had worn almost the exact same thing that day. Although much nicer shoes. /end side-note) This left me with a predicament: which shoes to wear.

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Going Carrie Bradshaw on All Your Asses (in the first sentence then I swear I'm done) by Alex Snider

So much better than a picture of a snake. Heehee. 

Last night as I lay in bed, listening to the electric guitar player guy on the corner (yes, it's an electric guitar, not a bass – will revoke whatever's left of my baby music nerd status pronto) I found myself thinking, what would I do if there was a snake in my apartment? Specifically, my room? More specifically, my bed? (I'm not speaking metaphorically although god knows I've been there! Have I? I don't know...)

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Dorothy Parker, Am I You? by Alex Snider

Proof I probably might be Dorothy Parker reincarnate:

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Real Talk: The Raccoon Stole My Wallet! by Alex Snider

Living in downtown Toronto, you'd be pretty hard-pressed not to have a raccoon story or five. We have friends who have been bitten, who have found them in their bathrooms and kitchens, we've heard stories of dead raccoons showing up on the same front porch several nights in a row, friends who's drunk-routine was petting their tails (did you know they can't turn around when they're climbing?). SO MANY RACCOON STORIES. They are everywhere. We used to have Ol' Patches who moved like an animatronic-dinosaur across the power lines in our old backyard every dusk -- a scruffy old guy who had clearly seen a few too many scuffles. But, the best of all the raccoon stories I've ever heard is the one where our friend Carolyn's wallet was stolen. BY A RACCOON.

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Real Talk: Problem I'm Facing RIGHT NOW by Alex Snider

Problem: The sun is too effing bright

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Real Talk: Mum Edition

My mum -- Remember when you used to walk around with your vibrators in your robe pockets?

Me -- Wha? I don't even know what you are talking about. I have no recollection.

Mum -- You know you had vibrators in your pockets.

Me -- I kept them there, like hidden, but I was definitely not wandering around with them. Like I just couldn't be without a dildo at any given time?

Mum -- Oooooh, that makes more sense.

Me -- I'm so embarrassed that for seven years you thought I just had to be able to masturbate at any given time. In my robe.