Back to School!

I have been terrible with this whole post a day business but I'm going to blame it on the fact that I start school in two (!!!!) days and I'm alternating freaking out in a good way and freaking out in a bad way.

On one hand fall, and back to school time specifically, is the best time of the year. It's colourful; it's full of promise and mystery and learning; it's a great excuse for clothing shopping; the mosquitoes are all dead (I'm from Winnipeg) and those awful, humid, sticky hot nights of tossing and turning are for the most part finished for another year (I'm on the third floor and sadly, the air-conditioning doesn't quite reach me); school supplies (is there anything better than that first word with that new pen in that fresh notebook?); there's the chance of meeting the person of your dreams...

The last time I was in university was six years ago when I dropped out, quit my job and moved to Toronto.  I wasn't exactly ready for school then, or the previous three years when I attempted to courses. But, now, nine years out of high school, I am freaking ready. I am ready to learn Ancient Greek and Latin; I am ready to study Archaeology and I am ready to start Aboriginal Studies; I am ready to be able to answer any cross-word puzzle clue regarding Roman and Greek mythology.

Oh my gosh, I'm so super excited! This is going to be the best year EVER!!!

Unless, it's not... What if I am terrible and I fail everything? I don't even know English grammar (what the hell is a dangling modifier??) so how will I learn Greek and Latin grammar? What if I lose steam and interest and drop out for the fifth time? Maybe I won't make any friends because I'm the weird older person? I might not be able to write a damn essay after years of creative writing. What if I, after the past year of debilitating and life-threatening depression, suffer a relapse and lose everything?

All I can do is hang on and try and focus on the excitement as opposed to those hypothetical questions. I mean, the positives are all pretty much guaranteed whereas all those negatives are simply possibilities. For a total control freak like myself, I do find it reassuring that both success and failure are completely up to me and, damn it, I am going to do everything in my power to excel this next year.