Thursday, March 17, 2011

The 100 Bestest Ever Male Characters In Movies Ever by Alex Snider

Orson says relax
Total Film recently released the top 100 greatest female character list or as I think it should be called, "Dude, it's so awesome when chicks I want to bang kill people!" and it inspired me to come up with my list of the 100 greatest male characters which, like the sacrificial virgins to a volcano, shall be released every full moon in installments of ten.

100. Gaston -- Uh, he eats FIVE DOZEN EGGS EVERYDAY. 'Nough said. And, so what he didn't get the girl, he's got a cleft in his chin, he can snap a leather belt with his neck and then CHEW IT and check out the racks on the chicks at :29. Eat your heart out, Belle! Side-note, what does "taking his lumps" mean? It sounds disgusting!

99. Dr Travis -- Richard Gere brought such realism to the role of the title gynecologist of Dr T and the Women that I actually felt the icy cold speculum. An important role because, aside from the fact that Dr Travis gets to look at vaginas for a living (cool!), the whole movie is like an allusion to the straight man's existence -- always surrounded by crazy, blond lesbians.

98. John Kimble -- Apart from coining quite possibly the greatest retort ever known to someone who suggests that one has a tumour, Kindergarten Cop was the perfect role model for which all little boys to aspire not to mention a total babe-magnet, he's good with kids, he's got big muscles and he peppers his stilted speech with quippy comments. Men, take note!

97. Father -- He may not have had much screen time but, shit yo, did the father in Lady and the Tramp ever rock every scene he was in! Fun fact: he was on Robert Wagner's yacht when Natalie Wood disappeared.
His nickname on set was "Legs", but not for the
reason you'd think....

96. The Bat -- Never before and probably never again will we ever see such a fully realized bat character as the bat in Devil Bat. Was he evil? Was he misunderstood? Did he just want to get his kids back? We'll never know...

95. Tripp -- Where is Matthew McConaughey these days? And, more importantly, where are his bongo drums? Am I alone in missing those heady days of the mid-aughts when movies about guys who still have their mum wash their American Eagle "Crab Shack" graphic t-shirts was something to laugh at, not the outcome of the worst economic recession since the "Dirty Thirties" (not the Depression but when American Eagle had to discontinue their casually racist "Dirty Thirties" graphic t-shirt)? When McConaughey was king and held the world record for most consecutive days shirt-less (687!!)? Time machine where are you already! I want to go back to the time of Failure to Launch and watch it in the theatre enough times that the studios would have to make a sequel! Haha, wishful thinking I know! I'm gonna make a Facebook campaign!

(There is no soundtrack to this incredible McCona-toge but might I recommend
 Dolly Parton's Red Hot Screaming Love?)

94. Emperor Kuzco -- Not Emperor's New Groove Kuzco (god help me...) but Kronk's New Groove Kuzco -- let's face it David Spade really shines when he is the side-kick; less is more lil' buddy, less is more! What's not to love about Kuzco (of Kronk's New Groove)? He's out there helping his friend and... he's an emperor and he's got a cool looking hat... Was thought to be Spade's magnum opus until he had to go and raise the bar for commercials with this 7 Up ad, in fact the only thing that could possibly have made it better is if instead of live-action Spade, the commercial featured top-100-greatest-male-character-of-all-freaking-time Kuzco.

93. Charlie Nash -- I loved Chris Klein in Mamma Mia Audition Tape and laughed for ten years straight when he fucked that apple pie, but dude pulled out all the stops in his turn as the street-wise fighter in Street Fighter, Legend of Chun Li. Unlike any character ever seen outside of a Nic Cage film, Klein brings to Charlie Nash that raw, unbridled rage that nobody knew existed (outside of uber-bot Katie Holmes' hard-drive). Passionate yet fair and totally bad-ass, Nash is the everyman no man is.

92. The Wild Snow Mongoose Pup #3 -- From the very first distress bark, to the measured look of hopelessness, fear of abandoment and veiled eroticism as Steve Zissou cradled him in his arms, that wild snow mongoose pup had me like the guy who loads the equipement into a van after a Nickleback concert. Not a very long role (god, if only Wes Anderson put as much effort into his human male characters!), but one that will live on in cinema until the end of time. Who would have ever imagined that the squirrel playing him, Ruprict Huntington-Oxley, was so fucked up on cocaine that he thought a mop propped in the corner was Owen Wilson the whole shoot? No judgement, his wife had just left him for the weasel from Along Came Polly -- the one that played Hank Azaria's chest-hair.
Ruprict Huntington-Oxley out waterskiing (shirtless!) with
 Matthew McConaughney

91. Derek Zoolander -- Of course, this one is obvious but what would a list of the greatest, most fleshed out roles ever in the history of cinema be (I meant to add in male roles but that is kind of redundant, no?) without the crushing weight of Ben Stiller's masterpiece. He is what every man, every boy, every spermling should look to as evidence that at last men are taken seriously in film. Too long have women dominated the screen with their periods and feelings and chocolate cravings; too long have male characters been expected to be all brawn, mere sex symbols for the women to take advantage of. Here in Derek Zoolander, all those years of oppression are gone; all those bitter tears over sexism and objectification are kissed away; all those indentations on the waist from too-tight panty-hose are reduced to mere red marks and we can rejoice in the man who can have it all -- career, friendship, love, a school for kids who don't read good and want to do other things good too, the approval of his coal-minin' papa and a new pair of shoes. Men's studies, your work is done; it's a new dawn, a new day and I'm feeling good.

Chills! I got chills! Someone, for chrissakes, get this merman an Oscar!

Until next time, friends. Happy St. Patrick's Day, may your beer filleth your bladders,.


  1. Haha, very nice! Btw, "taking your lumps" (also known as "lumping it", as in the phrase "like it or lump it") means putting up with the bad stuff in life - I guess "lumps" because things aren't going smoothly? It carries a certain connotation of stoicism, of dealing with problems in kind of a resigned way and just getting through them. Maybe it is a British expression; I'm not quite sure.

  2. At last! Thank you! Although, gotta say that I feel a little bit empty now, like, what does my life mean without that mystery spurring me forward??

  3. Hey, love the blog, but I'm kind of confused about your characterization of Tota Film's list. To me, it seems pretty far off from the "Dude, it's so awesome when chicks I want to bang kill people!" with entries like Annie Hall.

    I totally realize that it is silly of me to comment on a post from almost a year ago, but I love your insight on various issues and thought I'd give it a shot! Keep up the writing: loved your entry on the Shit _______ Say trend.

    1. It's more that the majority on the list were kind of stock fantasy characters with very little depth. There were notable exceptions but there were also a lot of cartoons and animal characters. I mean Lady from Lady and the Tramp was at, like, 22. I found it to be a pretty male-gaze oriented list with some awesome characters thrown in (even a broken clock is right twice a day).

      Thanks for reading, I'm really happy to hear you like the blog!