40 Comments on the Series Premier of 'New Girl' by Alex Snider

Definite spoilers ahead. 

1. Ok, so Zooey Deschanel is dorky! And motions emphatically!
2. Big glasses: NERD ALERT! 
3. Strippers aren't sympathetic unless they're university students! Why do strippers need to be sympathetic? Can't they just do their jobs without other women judging them/role-playing as strippers? /rant
4. Like a kajillion other TV ladies before her and after her, she is dating a jerkwad who cheats on her during the day.  
5. This theme and intro makes me want to set someone on fire.
6. I feel like that entire apartment is paid for by the 'douch-bag jar'.
7. Why isn't The Waitress in every scene??!!
8. An elementary school teacher. OF COURSE.
9. Friends are models? Good at least she has hot friends.
10. Ladies LOVE Dirty Dancing.
11. Why are they pretending that she isn't hot? 
12. D-Bag's chin is very pointy.
13. Ok, that Smeagol joke was pretty funny. Does that make me undateable?
14. What was that clip of D-Bag/Pointy Chin at work? He's the boss of a bunch of women who talk over him and ridicule him with sexist jokes? Huh?
15. Holy fuck, Wild Wild West Charity Auction for Cherokee Nation women? "It's not racist because it's for a good cause." Um, nope.
16. Why is she wearing a bathing suit in the shower? And why isn't she wet? SO WACKY!
17. Ok, the basketball smashing pot thing was funny. That's what, two?
18. Too bad Damon Wayans Jr. is off the show now :(
19. Her hair is on FIRE! WACKY! 
20. And, now it's fine.
21. She doesn't know how to smile. Silly Chandler Jess.
22. What the fuck. Has she never interacted with people ever? And does it even matter? She's fucking ZOOEY DESCHANEL.
23. Rebekah -- "I'm so glad we don't know any guys like this." Amen, sister!
24. If I had a dollar for every time my boobs rested on plates of chicken wings... I'd have so many dollars! Really :( At least I'd be able to replace some of the ruined shirts.
25. I feel like so much of ZD's 'method' has been borrowed from Liz Lemon.
26. Party hats? Nipples? 
27. Maybe Jess is just supposed to be a closet alcoholic and she's drunk all the time. "I fell off my heels" and then I just lay here so that someone would be sure to find me in all my wackiness. 
28. Cue the She's All That moment! Her hair! It's different! Her glasses! They're off! She's... She's beautiful!
29. Oh, but then she did a silly dance move! And the illusion of hotness is ruined! WACKY!
30. Cowboys and Indians party. Yep. 
31. THE WAITRESS! 
32. Stood up by the guy who asked her out after she said she wanted rebound sex. Because she texted too many times, and "long ones" at that! Guys are dogs, guys. 
33. Some guys are jerks, some are nice. Novel premise. Thanks, Jane Austen.
34. Poca-fucking-hontas. Jumping. But it's for a good cause! 
35. Why does she need so much bread?? To soak up all the alcohol, perhaps?!
36. But here are the boys! They left their racist for charity party just to dry your ugly tears off your not-very hot face. Where's Claire Danes' crying face when you need it? 
37. Oh noes, don't cry! Here we'll do something totally out of character and humiliating to make you, strange and annoying new roommate, feel better! BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!
38. Ah, yes the unexpected deep singing voice. How very Love Actually. 
39. And now we all love Dirty Dancing! And D-Bag has put down a grand at least in to the 'douche-bag' jar this episode.  
40. Rebekah -- "At least there isn't a laugh track." Me -- "At least then we'd know when to laugh."