The Walking Dead: We Hardly Knew Thee, Characters Whose Names I Don't Know by Alex Snider

What is that old Chekhov adage? That if a barn is introduced at the beginning of the season, full of zombies, that barn will burn down at the end of the season, full of zombies? Well, so much for the watch-system they had going last week: a massive herd, which was somehow explained in the cold open managed to have lumbered from Atlanta all the way through the enchanted forest (and the forcefield moat of quicksand!) and come up on the magical farm of unlimited electricity and hot water and food to dole out misery. Surprisingly Glenn and Daryl: Tracker Xtreme, were also in the woods and completely missed all signs of the horde. Even little Carl, who somehow sensed Shane's zombie-ness before he stood up last week, raising the gun seemingly at his own pops, didn't hear or see the thousands of walkers until they were literally meters away. 

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The Walking Dead: And That's Why You Don't Wander in Fields at Night, Alone by Alex Snider

*Spoilers ahead*

It seems that Rick et al. got a visit from J Walter Weatherman and he taught them a valuable lesson about the zombie apocalypse using Dale. Unfortunately Dale was sacrificed in said lesson and was eviscerated by a walker before being shot in the head but the others sure learned a lesson! THERE BE ZOMBIES. Next thing you know, there are watches being set up, proper watches not just Andrea looking for an excuse to stroke her gun; everyone is moving into Hershel's magically-fortified farm house; and there are even patrols going around the farm borders. Of course the goons were there mostly to overkill the zombies, as if they had personally just killed the person voted least popular in the group (and I'm including Jimmy). This is such a dire situation for our hapless group of unlikeable survivors that even T-Dog was given lines! Plural! And bantery lines at that! Sheeeeeee-iiiit (I've been watching a lot of The Wire)! That was the most shocking part of this episode and I'm including both the death of Shane and the revelation that all dogs go to heaven dead folk come back as zombies.

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The Walking Dead: How Many Women Does it Take to do Laundry During the Zombie Apocalypse? by Alex Snider

Sweet sweater, dude, wonder what detergent
 he used to use?Those colours are vibrant. 

Well, that was unpleasant. I literally grimaced the entire episode. I couldn't even properly enjoy Shane and Rick punching each other. All the yelling and Rick and Shane fighting over who protects Lori and boy-sheriff better is just so damn exhausting. Especially when it's the same fight week in and week out. Everybody is still alive so just fucking relax, find something new to fight about, like Lori did this week.

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Walking Dead: In This Metaphor the Barn is a Womb and Hershel is the GOP? by Alex Snider

Guys! Guys. In a half-season of nothing, so much happened this episode, so many pointless things learned! The episode opened real strong like, with a lot of looking and head-shaking and looking and nodding. Emmys for everyone! Daryl and Carol didn't bone but they probably will have sad sex soon (it's one of the Kubler-Ross stages). Maggie must still be on her period because, man, mood-swings! T-Dog (or is it T-Bone?) had a line! Glenn discovered the benefits of washing hair with raw egg (so silky, so shiny). Hershel is a mouth breather when he eats (I bet he breathes really loudly on the phone too. He really is the worst). Dale is maybe omnipresent? No abortion metaphor is too big for the writers (barn=womb, zombies=fetuses, Shane=crazed coat-hanger wielding feminist). Those life-guard thingys that are used to fish poops out of pools are also strong enough to wrangle zombies. Rick's Sheriff hat has magical powers to turn Carl into an annoying mini-Rick who feels empowered enough to lay down the law (pun definitely intended). Shane's forehead vein is thisclose to getting it's own spin-off show. Oh and they found Sophia. And there was great rejoicing. Yay.

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Walking Dead: Boring Barn Zombies are Boring by Alex Snider

Another week, another notch in the ole’ patriarchy belt. Everyone got all up in Lori’s grill about her pregnancy, whether getting all mean girls about her weight (Glenn) or I dunno, being extremely anti-choice. Even the guy who wears a Hawaiian shirt and drives an RV and should be played by Randy Quaid weighed in on how during the zombie apocalypse she would bring down the survival chances of the Apple Dumpling Gang even more by keeping the baby. Gah.

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Walking Dead: Cherokee Rose by Alex Snider

Has there ever been a group of survivors in an apocalyptic drama that deserve to live less than those of Walking Dead? Oh man, It's like not a single one of them ever played the "what would you do to survive the zombie apocalypse" game (the next best game to "what would you spend your lottery winnings on"). More over, it's like not a single one of them has ever had to deal with a zombie to date, as if so far they've had no experience with them what so ever. I mean aside from Maggie who has apparently never seen a zombie killed up close? (Seriously, Maggie? Where is this magical farm? the set of Lost? And how was T-Bone smashing its head in that much worse than its splitting apart at the middle?) Walk around the woods at night? Yeah sure! Dangle Glenn in to a well for some unknown reason to fetch a zombie? Why not! Have a gun-free zone which incidentally is where we're all living? Sounds like the best plan of all time! At this point I think the survivors are actually all zombies themselves given their inability to think coherently.

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